Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
