I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
