If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
