You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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