I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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