I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
