My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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