the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
