i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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