i used baking grease as lip gloss
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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