Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
