FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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