New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
