i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
