I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
