chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
