Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
