you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
