Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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