so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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