Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
