the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im six kinds of drunk right now
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
