That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
