You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We named our party play list daddy issues
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
