so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
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I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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