I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
