Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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