I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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