If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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