Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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