I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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