I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
tell me about the eggs
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
