I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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