So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
