Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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