I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
