he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
