You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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