guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
