White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
