now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
