I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
