You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
