i need an iv and a liver transplant
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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