it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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