a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
40s are totally the cure
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You are a genius and a whore.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
