I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
