youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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