apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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