Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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