Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
