im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
