I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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