And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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