Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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