My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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