two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
