its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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