it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
