i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
