Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
