i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
