Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
